The woman next to you at the coffeeshop where you use the internet is giving someone on the phone advice using self-help speak. What do you do? Listen to Akimbo. You’re at the coffeeshop because you’ve been looking for several months and still can’t find a job, and now you’re totally ragin’. What do you do? Why, listen to Akimbo! You’re supposed to write a story for a music zine, but it’s already late in the week and you haven’t done anything. What do you — oh come on, it’s obvious. You write a story about Akimbo.

Clearly, the Seattle hardcore group is appropriate for every occasion. Which means their upcoming tour couldn’t come at a better time! They’ve been around for ten years now, consistently bringing rough and raucous live shows to a venue near you. With five albums on Alternative Tentacles and Seventh Rule under their collective belt, Akimbo is planning to release their latest, Jersey Shores, September 23 on Neurot Recordings. For those of you who are really pumped for the Discovery Channel’s upcoming Shark Week, get ready: Jersey Shores is a concept album about a series of vicious shark attacks that terrorized the Jersey coast in 1916. A better and more terrifying end to summer, I cannot imagine.

09.05.08 - Portland, OR - Ash St Saloon* 10.06.08 - Boise, ID - The Bouquet 10.07.08 - Salt Lake City, UT - Kilby Court** 10.08.08 - Denver, CO - Hi-Dive 10.09.08 - Kansas City, MO - Record Bar 10.10.08 - Denton, TX - The Lounge on Elm Street 10.11.08 - Austin, TX - Emos Inside*** 10.12.08 - Houston, TX - The Mink Backroom 10.13.08 - Mountain Home, AR - The Gravel Pit 10.14.08 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree 10.15.08 - Chattanooga, TN - JJs Bohemia 10.16.08 - Charlotte, NC - Milestone 10.17.08 - Baltimore, MD - Talking Head 10.18.08 - Washington, DC - Red and Black 10.19.08 - Milford, CT - Daniel St. 10.22.08 - Middletown, CT - Wesleyan College 10.23.08 - Boston, MA - Middle East***** 10.24.08 - New York City, NY - Knitting Factory****** 10.25.08 - Brooklyn, NY - Todd P / Panache Party 10.26.08 - Columbus, OH - Bourbon St 10.27.08 - Louisville, KY - Cahoots 10.28.08 - Indianapolis, IN - Melody Inn 10.29.08 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle******* 10.30.08 - Milwaukee, WI - Borg Ward 10.31.08 - Oakland, CA - The Uptown 11.02.08 - Missoula, MT - Badlander

* Witchcraft (Music Fest North West)
** Iota, Gaza
*** When Dinos Ruled the Earth, The High Cost of Living
***** Cable, Angels Of Meth (members of 27), Eastern Bloodhounds, and Libyans
******Panache Booking CMJ Showcase w/ DMBQ, Monotonix, The Mae Shi, AIDS Wolf, Yip Yip The Homosexuals, Sole, Shellshag, Fiasco, Aa, and more
******* Sweet Cobra, Millions