Robert Pollard
Coast to Coast Carpet of Love / Standard Gargoyle Decisions

[Merge; 2007]

Styles: drunken elementary schoolteacher indie pop rock
Others: Guided By Voices (duh), Dose One (for his output), Bob Mould

AN OPEN LETTER TO ROBERT POLLARD: Too much, Bobby Pollard. Too much! You’ve over-saturated your own market. We know your credo/motto/M.O. is to make use of everything (each song’s a keeper!), but things are getting ridiculous. Guided by Voices was a different scenario. You kept the songs short and packed with sudden glimpses of beauty, hook, and idiosyncrasy. Now, you’re letting songs reach the three-minute mark, a mark someone with your output should avoid. The math isn’t working out. Many albums of short songs: okay. Many albums of long songs: I CAN’T CATCH MY BREATH! It’s one thing to be prolific; it’s another thing to be excessive.

Two albums released on one day, Bobby Pollard? That’s one album too many. Let up on us. You’ve got me clamped between your legs — calves and hamstrings squeezing — in a scissor lock. These aren’t short affairs either. Coast to Coast Carpet of Love has 16 tracks. Standard Gargoyle Decisions has 17. Show some discretion, man! You’re middle-aged; you should be showing signs of slowing down. Heck, at least slow down to a pace where you aren’t delivering two albums on the same day. Take a look at other musicians who have attempted this two-albums-in-a-day feat. I can’t recall one case of success.

What it comes down to, ultimately, is there is too much to handle. How can you expect a listener to absorb all these songs? It would take quite a degree of devotion. Dedicated fans, I suppose. It’s overwhelming. One can detect variety in the heap, but variety even sounds redundant when we’re dealing with 33 tunes. The whole project is sullied. Whittle it down, Bobby Pollard. Set some limits. I promise, it won’t take up too much time selecting songs you feel best represent your current output. Vomiting up these entire meals — enough to feed America’s hungry — isn’t good for us, and can’t be good for your esophagus. You aren’t doing yourself any favors hurling all this material in our lap. It’s just hurting out sperm counts and applying unwelcome pressure on our uteruses. Have mercy!

Coast to Coast Carpet of Love: 1. Our Gaze 2. Count Us In 3. Exactly What Words Mean 4. Current Desperation (Angels Speak Of Nothing) 5. Dumb Lady 6. Rud Fins 7. Customer’s Throat 8. Miles Under The Skin 9. Penumbra 10. Slow Hamilton 11. Look Is What You Have 12. I Clap For Strangers 13. Life Of A Wife 14. Youth Leagues 15. When We Were Slaves 16. Nicely Now

Standard Gargoyle Decisions: 1. The Killers 2. Pill Gone Girl 3. Hero Blows The Revolution 4. Psycho-Inertia 5. Shadow Port 6. Lay Me Down 7. Butcher Man 8. Motion Sickness Ghosts 9. I In The World 10. Here Comes Garcia 11. The Island Lobby 12. Folded Claws 13. Feel Not Crushed 14. Accusations 15. Don’t Trust Anybody 16. Come Here Beautiful 17. Spider Eyes