Your eyes are popping out of your skull and that’s reason enough for disqualification. If the whole popping-eye thing wasn’t bad enough, your gag mask is crumbling, flakes falling into the other contestants’ mashed potatoes. And furthermore, when your jaw opens and slopes to the side like that, the audience has a hard time not staring at your sawteeth of the sierras, all them teeth stained yellow and planted and plowed in slash-and-burn row along your jawbone, looking like “Weird Al’s” threads on the cover of In 3-D. Some of them teeth sliding off n’ bouncing off the edge of the competitors’ table into the fanny pack, where the enzymes take-over for the saliva. This is the worst most out-of-control mashed potato eating contest yet. Sound meter showing record-setting levels of hiccough, squish, squirt, and gag; what that means for you is that we’ll have to have you arrested like Kobayashi.
More about: Aaron Dilloway, Dylan Nyoukis
