On September 12, vicious alien marauders Gwar laid waste to Chicago’s Douglas Park during their fourth consecutive appearance at Riot Fest. The bodies of aging punks and youthful metalheads were left in shattered heaps and strewn across the muddy turf, to be reclaimed by the soil. I alone was spared from the slaughter just long enough to take a statement from the band’s bass player and the inventor of music, Beefcake the Mighty (sometimes confused for his human slave, Jamison Land).
Though our conversation was brief, Beefcake (voiced in the video above by Todd Evans) gave me new insights into the carnage that Gwar have wrought throughout time and space.
I’m speaking with Gwar bass player Beefcake the Mighty…
That’s right, you should be honored. HONORED!
I am but a lowly maggot before your magnificence.
I could see that outta you.
So, it’s a well-established fact that Gwar invented music before the dawn of civilization…
That’s right. That’s right, we strung dinosaur guts across the Grand Canyon. I plucked it; that was the first bass note. I liked it, so, you know, hey.
No, no, no. It makes us wanna rape more. We don’t really follow society’s rules, if you haven’t noticed. We pretty much do what we do, and if you’re offended, that’s probably what’s going to happen.
Have there been any developments or artists or musicians that have come along that have caused you to question that decision?
You mean, like, people who suck?
Yeah.
No, I don’t care about people who suck. I like the real good artists, like Liberace.
Liberace is fucking hardcore, man.
Yeah, he’s the best. Although, you know, I heard rumors that he was gay.
What?!?
Can you believe that shit?
No way, man, that guy was getting pussy left and right.
I know, right? All them diamonds?
Is there any person who’s currently dead that you wish you could have killed personally?
Uhhhh, lemme see here. I’d like to kill Abraham Lincoln. I mean, just because he’s very famous. And he’s tall. I’d pull his beard a little bit. It’d be fun.
Gandhi. Gandhi would be cool. I’d use his head like a basketball.
Anything in particular against Gandhi, or…?
Ahhhhh, no, not really. He’s just famous. I like killing famous people.
I mean, why bother with anyone who’s not? Right on. Earlier this month, a San Antonio TV journalist lost his job…
(Laughing) Yeah!
…Because Blothar’s hideous genitalia was exposed through the television.
Blothar’s genitalia is always exposed. If he didn’t wanna shoot it, he shouldn’t have shot it.
What tragedy will befall me because of your deformed schlong?
My schlong is very nice. It’s not deformed.
Okay. So I’m safe?
No, you’re not safe. You’ll probably die. I’ll probably just choke you out, really. I haven’t taken my Cialis today.
That’s very merciful of you. Speaking of jobs, you guys recently applied for an editorial position over at Vice affiliate Noisey.
Did we?
Did they ever get back to you guys about that?
I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I’m sure somebody did something; I don’t know what it is.
Uhhhh, lemme see here. I’d like to kill Abraham Lincoln. I mean, just because he’s very famous. And he’s tall. I’d pull his beard a little bit. It’d be fun. Gandhi. Gandhi would be cool. I’d use his head like a basketball.
Fair enough. So, you’ve been all over the earth, including Hell, and you’ve been traveled all through space, including Space Hell. What is next for Gwar? What’s your five-year plan?
Five year plan for Gwar… I would say we’re probably gonna kill people. I’ve been planning on doing a lot of drugs. Taking a few years off and smoking a lot of crack. Probably write some music. Probably do some raping… I like to call it “surprise sex.” You know, it’s more festive that way. So that’s some, a few things on the docket for me.
So, if I may ask a slightly more serious question: In our current social climate, there’s increased sensitivity around depictions of sexual violence in art and entertainment.
Really?
Do you guys feel any pressure from that to avoid certain topics?
No, no, no. It makes us wanna rape more. We don’t really follow society’s rules, if you haven’t noticed. We pretty much do what we do, and if you’re offended, that’s probably what’s going to happen.
[Around this point I got the signal from the band’s publicist to wrap things up]
So… when can we expect a new album?
I’d say sooner rather than later. We gotta do this tour, first. And then we’ll probably gonna write an album [laughs]. Then once we write the album, then we’ll probably sell it. I think that’s the way it works.
I think that’s how that works.
Or we trade it for crack, I don’t know. Sleazy handles all that shit.
Special thanks to good friend author and super-bohab TJ Geise for helping me come up with questions for this interview.
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