SoundCloud’s makin’ it rain, y’all! Well, a little bit of rain at least, for a select few. But hey, musical artists, like the great state of California, are always at least sort of in the middle of a drought. Here’s the deal: SoundCloud recently launched an exciting, exclusive new Premier Partner Program. It’s by invite only, which makes it easier to understand how the new SoundCloud membership system, called On SoundCloud, will work according to a ratings system based off the mid-2000s CW network teen drama Gossip Girl.
The first level, Partner, is basic. Like, BASIC basic. So this is the Vanessa level. It’s free and it allows new users to join the “community,” post a song, and then get feedback and basic stats on it. It works in a coffee shop and goes to public school, where it hates on the kids who got invites to the Premier Partner Program. As time goes on and the series runs out of plotlines, the Partner Level will run around Manhattan trying to sneak into gala events to “teach people a lesson” yet somehow drunkenly hook up with the hottest cast member on the show for a regrettable 2-3 episode mini arc.
Next comes the Pro level. After a lengthy debate (20 seconds) I have concluded that this is the Dan Humphrey level. The Pro level gets more upload time and more detailed stats, which it will spout out at you in a whimsical and awkward fashion so that you get it — really get it — that this level is the smart, ambitious kid from Brooklyn. You’re well off in comparison to most of America because you live in an insane loft/art gallery with your sensitive rocker dad, but you, like, don’t have a yacht or checkerboard flooring in your foyer, so you’re forever looking in, tapping on the frozen window like that orphan in A Christmas Carol. “Daaaaaaaad where’s my lunch kombucha daaaaaaaaad!!!!!! I like the works of George Saunders.” That’s this level.
Finally, the almighty Premier Partner level. The invite-only level. The Skull and Crossbones Society level of SoundCloud. You have to murder an underling and bathe in his or her blood to get into this one. (Just kidding, we’re sure it’s a complicated algorithm that’s very scientific and shit.) This level gets exclusive features, promotional opps, and the chance to make $$$ on the new advertising platform. You might say this is the Serena van der Woodsen of levels, but then you would be wrong. You watched Gossip Girl all wrong. You wasted your life. Because no, this is the Blair Waldorf of levels.
According to an actual SoundCloud statement, “In addition to supporting creators, ads will keep the service free and open for people to listen to SoundCloud. Audio ads will only be served on the content of Premier Partners with their explicit consent. If you have a Free, Pro or Pro Unlimited account, you will not have any audio ads placed on your tracks.” The statement did not reveal whether specific details of the ritual sacrifice one must enter into in order to join Premier, or whether the company swings more toward Team Blair or Team Serena. XOXO.
• SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com
