Let me be James Blunt for a minute. I work at a record store in bumfuck, U.S.A. (let's just call this place Mung's Record and Video for now), and I work right next to the glorious section of pop/rock Ds all in misleading alpha order. People will often sift through this section with morbid curiosity of why Def Leopard has such a large catalog, and then there are those who like to giddily point and laugh at a little-known band of jokesters known as Deerhoof. Why do they point and laugh, you must ask? The casual TMT reader is most likely crushed at this point. How could someone laugh at my precious Deerhoof? And how could this "douche of the year" writer (I don't even think that title is deserving for Mr. Emceegreg in this case) call my sacred love affair "little-known"? Seriously! What the fuck?
Let me vaguely explain by remaining purposely off topic. Deerhoof has recently released Friend Opportunity (TMT Review) and you're most likely a loser if you haven't checked it out yet. And by loser, I am referring back to the people who mocked your beloved experimental rock band. For now, let's call these people "anti-hipsters," and let's just further generalize those people as young, white college students who hate Muslims. Skinny white girls (let's just call them Skeletors, for now) have often come to the 'D' section shouting in my fragile ears, "I can't stand that lead singer. Her voice is weird. She's crazy. My boyfriend listens to them. My boyfriend is cool. He's a lot cooler than the guy working right there. Shh... I think that little terd is listening."
You can trust me as a reliable narrator that I hear things like that all of the time. I also could tell that the girl was misspelling the word 'turd' just from how she said it. Yeah, maybe your boyfriend is better than me, but I bet he doesn't have a Ken Griffey Jr. rookie baseball card! In your face, guppie! First of all, it's alright if you don't like Deerhoof, but at least have an open mind. Stop riding off the coattails of your frat fuck buddy! Nobody becomes a cornhole champion. If you understand cornhole, which is just an elementary school game of bean bag toss, then how can you not grasp the matter-changing sounds of Deerhoof?
I'm not here to judge, but when you ridiculed the lovely Satomi Matsuzaki and the even more attractive Ken Griffey Jr., you offended me. Now I know that the frustrated TMT reader wants to know the point of all this mess. To be honest, I had no idea where I was going with any of this. I want to thank everyone in Deerhoof, Mr P, Matt Weir, Ken Griffey Jr., and his hit SNES game Ken Griffey's Winning Run. Without you guys, I don't think this article would have made it this far. Okay, let me try to make a point of all this gibberish: If you don't go see Deerhoof on their European Tour, then you probably support terrorism. See I just blew your mind once again. I had my mind blown once too, so don't begin to think of me as some sort of god or anything. This customer once panhandled me by tricking me into giving him money from the cash register and confusing me with large amounts of numbers. My cash register ended up more than $200 short. I think we all know what lesson to gain from all of this. Deerhoof is splendid!
Tourdates (I hope the play "Panda Panda Panda," garsh):
* with The Blow
# with Akron/Family
