Long ago, when a pastor could deliver his or her words of fire and brimstone to a crowd of thousands of suburban SUV-drivers with clear and crisp confidence, no one dared to imagine that these portentous words would come to haunt the little ear mic thingies lodged in the auditory canals of preachers all over America: “Static, static, static, we’re on a video rage... This is the static age we live in.”
With the FCC’s approval of the Google- and Microsoft-backed plan to open unused portions of the airwaves to wireless devices once U.S. television broadcasts make the switch from analog to digital transmission in February 2009, Glenn Danzig’s song of shaky reception has become the rallying cry of a nation. Or the voice of a really weird amalgamation of lobbyists, including preachers from megachurches, Disney, Dolly Parton, and a few other groups that I will just assume are steamed by the deal, such as car salespeople announcing big blowout sales over their lot’s loudspeakers, boy bands that have fallen from glory and now perform for bored parents on their way to the Dippin’ Dots at mid-sized theme parks, and small-town new reporters demonstrating the art of grape-stomping.
Preachers, Dollywood employees, people dressed up as Sleeping Beauty at Disneyworld, and other really important people are speaking out against the FCC’s recent decision, because they fear that opening up the soon-to-be vacant airwaves to new wi-fi devices will interfere with the reception of wireless microphones used in sports and entertainment broadcasts. Religious groups are already expressing concern that such interference will cut into the budget to send their youth groups to witness spring-breakers at Myrtle Beach.
But leave it to the drug-addled, unstable FCC and wireless companies to endanger the most holy time of the week in their frenzy for their next convenient, wireless, cost-efficient high, as FCC commissioner Jonathan Adelstein explained, “Let's hope it's not just Wi-Fi on steroids but Wi-Fi on amphetamines."
Oh, why stop there, you godless technology companies? I want my wi-fi underage, hyped up on meth, and trespassing in the residents-only pool at Pinecrest Condominiums. Then I want it to put on a little lipstick and dance. But, most importantly, I want it to interrupt the mic feed for Dollywood Express.