NOTE: Included are three letters written to those most likely to be emotionally, spiritually, and seriously, honestly, sincerely, affected by news of The Cure’s fall tour and pending album release.
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1
Dear Billie Joe Armstrong,
Grab a figurative tissue for those raccoon eyes. You’re about to go Wake Me Up When September Ends* on us.
Your trailblazing predecessors, i.e., those who wore smudgy black eyeliner before you, i.e. The Cure, are set to start touring this September.
The thing is, after giving your rabble-rousing, life-changing, rock-and-fucking-rolling American Idiot album an oh-so-righteous spin, it seems you’ve already got plans hiding under the sheets all September, being drenched in your pain (again?) and becoming who you are. Oh, man!
Please accept these from me to you for the long, hard, soul-emptying month o’ depression. I’m sincerely sorry you’re missing The Cure’s first month of touring! Maybe you’ll buy the album they’re releasing? Maybe we’ll go see them in October, when you wake up?
Lunch date, soon, okay?
* Re: a whiny, shrill, Buffy the Vampire Slayer-watching, diary-keeping, Ben & Jerry-binging, "it’s that time of the month" brand of bitchy. No, seriously, though. You taught us, Billie! WAR IS SENSELESS! Now that you’ve earned a “Renegade of the Year” title from Rolling Stone given the wild success of your CONCEPT ALBUM!, trumpeting such incendiary Jesus of Suburbia musings, I GET THAT WAR IS SENSELESS, not to trust my government, and to subsequently question whether you are in fact the Christ to Bono’s God the Father. Amen, peace be with you. Seriously.
XOXO,
TMT
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2
Dear Tyra Banks,
The Cure looks better in eye makeup.
Okay, I’m kidding. You don’t look a little rough next to the girls on America’s Next Top Model, not at all. Not even when you wear weird headbands. Never. Especially not then.
Look, a cheeseburger!
Kidding. Honestly. You totally have three or so hot points on Kirstie Alley.
Go see The Cure. In spirit of eyeliner! Makeup tips for da’ models? For you?
XOXO,
TMT
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3
Dear Everyone,
Anything signed XOXO, TMT can be assumed to mean AJ Pacitti and in no way reflects Mr P’s stance on the world at large, Tyra Banks, or Kirstie Alley.
THE REAL DEAL: The Cure’s album, still no word on its name, is set for release sometime this fall.
As for the tour, tickets went on sale yesterday (Thursday), and are now available. 65 Days of Static are slotted as the opening gig for The Cure (including Robert Smith, Simon Gallup, Jason Cooper, and Porl Thompson).
Eyeliner is always sexy, Kirstie Alley rarely is: