I was in the supermarket yesterday, picking up some toilet paper. My local Sainsbury's, despite being a pretty small thing attached to a petrol station, seems to have a terrifying variety of the stuff. Like, a whole aisle. How much bog roll could one man need? I went for the own-brand stuff with the keen eye of a shrewd, informed customer -- cheap, probably as good as the quilted, scented crap, and six for the price of four. But they weren't letting me get away that easily -- oh, no. There were two varieties! Natural Forest or Pure White. I stood there for quite a while. I knew that it was utterly unimportant, but there was literally nothing to encourage me to choose one above the other.
Nothing whatsoever. I had no way of deciding.
So I phoned founding Mice Parade member Adam Pierce.
Me: Hey, man, what's up. Listen... I've got a bit of a problem. I'm just out picking up toilet paper, and I really can't decide which one to get.
Adam: Just pick up the own-brand stuff, dude. It's probably about as good as the quilted, scented crap.
Me: Yeah, but here's the thing -- there are two varieties! There's Natural Forest or Pure White. How the fuck am I meant to choose something like that? I mean, choosing one of them won't exactly affect my life in any way. Which do you think defines me as a person?
Adam: You do realize that this is a pretty sad indictment of our Western commodity-based society, and your place in it.
Me: Tell me about it.
Adam: What colors... the Natural Forest stuff?
Me: It's...kinda a peachy orange, I guess.
Adam: Not very foresty.
Me: Shit, man, I'm just buying the stuff.
Adam: I'm just saying.
Me: Alright. Well.
Adam: Hey, you know I'm releasing a new album in May? It's gonna be self-titled, and it continues my gorgeous pop odyssey that spans seven albums. I've lined up some great collaborators for this one, like Laetitia Sadier (Stereolab) on "Tales of Las Negras." Kristin Anna Valtysdottir (Müm, also a touring member of the Mice Parade live band from 2003-2006) lends her incredible grace to "Double Dolphins on the Nickel," complete with Icelandic verse. Other members of the live lineup appear on tracks like "Sneaky Red" and "Satchelaise," notably Doug Scharin (Rex, June of 44), Dylan Cristy (Dylan Group), Jay Israelson (Lansing-Dreiden), and Dan Lippel.
Me: Dude, are you just reading from the press release there?
Adam: Uh, no?
Me: Fuckin?? Help a dude out over here!
Adam: Alright, fine. What color's your bathroom?
Me: Yellow.
Adam: I'd get the forest stuff. That'd probably go pretty well. Probably get less bleach in it, too, if you care about that stuff.
Me: Hey, you're right! Cheers, dude.
Adam: Listen, how did you get this number, anyway?
Which is when I hung up. So anyway, I followed his advice and bought the Natural Forest toilet paper. And you know what the weird thing is? When I got back home and opened the first roll, on the first sheet was written:
"I knew you'd make the right choice." Ad x
That Adam Pierce is one weird motherfucker.