“Look, I may be a Juggalo, ho, but that don’t make me a muh-fuh’n thugalo, yo. This one’s for my juggalettes, lettin’ ’em know y’all.”
For those of you who don’t READ EVERY PIECE OF INTERNET NEWS EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME, 24 HOURS A DAY EXCLUDING SHABBAS, you might have missed a story about Insane Clown Posse in The Rocky Mountain News. Apparently, Crimes Are Being Committed. By People. That Listen. To Insane Clown Posse. You heard it here first folks, I--... oh wait, The Rocky Mountain News beat us to this salty sack of a news story, that’s right. Hmmmmm [drumming fingers on tabletop]... Well, since it’s been reported in a newspaper, it’s gotta be true, right? I’ll just trust my instincts on this one and print the straight facts (word to ya muzzah): People have committed murders in Detroit, Arkansas, and Florida.
And, since murders were never committed in Arkansas, Detroit, and Florida before Insane Clown Posse came along (particularly not the latter two), the group have been linked to their fair share of crimes as of late. And I can see why! You can pretty much bet they’re inciting kids to perpetrate violent crimes with their albums, currently put out by the fledgling, taken-seriously WWF Diamond Cutter label. Their fans reportedly call themselves ‘Juggalos’ and ‘Juggalettes,’ and do dastardly things like design their MySpace pages with ICP pics (lol!) and, as mentioned, listen to Insane Clown Posse’s music, often while plotting to kill humans. Strangely, the percentage of ICP listeners that actually commit crimes is statistically low. And, now that I think about it, aren’t Insane Clown Posse like a total joke now? When’s the last time anyone over 8 or 9 years old bought an ICP record? Aren’t people listening to more refined, role-model types like 50 Cent and fuckin’ C Murder these days? Are 50 Cent and C Murder arbitrarily linked to murders perpetrated by people who listen to their music? Are things in this country going to get all fucking stupid again, like with that whole Ozzy deal? Everywhere I go I hear a far-right nutcase yodeling....
Officers refuse to say whether the offenders were actually listening to ICP when they committed the crimes in question, but several of the band’s releases were found in roof-flap CD sleeves, travel cases, and even in a rogue Discman. All copies were taken into custody. Well, that probably happened. I mean, they ARE the law, right? They must have found discs, t-shirts, and posters upon searching cars and stuff. What are these kids going to do, deny that they did, in fact, at one time listen to Insane Clown Posse? They’re guilty! GUILTY. GUILLLLLTEEEEEEEE. I say jail them for the murders, EXECUTE them for their listening habits. I think we’ll all agree it’s tough but fair (ICP haven’t been good since Riddle Box anyway).
One man implicated in a murder had an ICP tattoo on his hand. Another kid in Colorado described himself as a Circus-Boy Dingleberry With Man-Boobs and a Toy Hatchet (or something like that) on MySpace. Both were known Insane Clown Posse fans, and both were linked to grizzly killings (but not with a real grizzly; that might actually be, well, not ‘cool,’ but maybe, you know...). A cop also claimed that Colorado-area police “know Insane Clown Posse gangs exist.” Ooh! There are also other pieces of evidence, but they’re just as, like, totally damning as all of the stuff above, and I honestly think I’ve already made and proven my case anyway: Some bands tour. Some bands record. Others? They incite murder. Insane Clown Posse, likely through their importance in the long-term musical stratosphere, are one of those bands.