It’s 2011, people, and we True Americans are stuck in a spiteful danse macabre with useless graduate degrees, debt ceiling hysteria, screaming Casey Anthony news coverage, gold standards, Ichelle-May Achmann-Bay (don’t say her name three times after midnight, and DEFINITELY not in a darkened bathroom with your mom’s Vanilla Escape candles burning eerily) and _________ (noun describing any shitty aspect of your life/society.) People are losing homes! People are losing dignity! People are losing the AMERICAN DREAM!!
Until this week, that is. See, True American Brands™ Ticketmaster and Walmart are teaming up to bring over-sized cat sweatshirts, concert tickets, a little bit of old fashioned elbow grease, and low, low, LOW savings to your neighborhood! If there’s a more perfect embodiment of the American Dream than the newfound opportunity to purchase guns and discount garden gnomes at the same place you buy your $148 (+$76.85 shipping & handling) Creed tickets at a Ticketmaster™ kiosk inside your friendly, locally-sourced Walmart™, well then SLAP ME UP AND CALL ME A COMMUNIST, BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
Recently, Ticketmaster CEO Nathan Hubbard traveled back to a time before Ticketmaster.com existed (1998? Can I get Cibo Matto tickets? Thanks.) to explain how this True American Innovation™ gives “fans this very convenient way to learn about upcoming events, purchase and take home tickets without leaving their neighborhood.” He also promises (threatens?) that “Ticketmaster will continue to work closely with our clients to create exclusive high value offers for Walmart customers.” Discount Scott Stapp lawn gnomes, anyone?