People try way harder than necessary to be scary. Let’s compare some things I’ve recently been informed are “scary” with examples of things I made up that are much, much scarier.
You worried ISIS is gonna rock up at JFK, being all like lol everyone on the ground or, inshallah, you’re all getting blown to fuck!? Just imagine — every time you walk up the stairs, your shadow could trying to use its semi-transparent, Teflon shadow coating to try and send you crashing to a soft, carpeted death and/or paralysis on the ground floor.
Scared that your boss is going to be forced to raise the minimum wage, ensuring that your loved ones lose out on the jobs America worked hard to create for you? There are bigger things afoot — every time I walk into another room in my house (there are three), I immediately forget what I was supposed to be doing. And when I return to my room, the record player is on, and this mysterious picture disk is always playing. From head on it looks like a blur, but if one sits back on there heels so the table is almost eye level, one can clearly see a band of skeletons shaking human head maracas and dancing around a barrel fire. My skin crawls, and I have the urge to dance, but when I call my girlfriend’s cellphone, the solemn organ drone of her voicemail reminds me that I will never truly find comfort in company. I find myself humming along to the unknown wax on my turntable — it’s a macabre, melodramatic tune — and then I remember it is 3:45 AM and I need to hose myself down.
Worried that Brooklyn will be unliveable by the time you graduate college and start your writing career? Then despair two-fold, for the permanent fog of Night Powers descends! And who knows when the band’s phantasmic square-dance folk will be heard next, swiftly followed by the paint-peeling scream of a young man abducted in an alleyway — another victim of the government’s efforts to render us ignorant of the real evils in this world! Don’t get it twisted my boy, we’re just out here trynna get SPOOOKY.
• Night Powers: https://www.facebook.com/nightpowers
• Mirror Universe Tapes: http://www.mirroruniversetapes.com
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