ating: 1/5
What follows are excerpts from an imagined script of the movie London, written after listening to the soundtrack and reading its liner notes. I have not, and will not see this film. I am almost ashamed of myself.
CHARACTERS HP Hot Prostitute HGWMUWTHSGB Hot Girl Who's Mixed Up With The Sinister Gang Boss HDWORPOTBBFFHND Honest Dealer Who Only Rips People Off to Buy Baby Formula For His Newborn Daughter SGB Sinister Gang Boss TGWHSWEIDES The Girl Who Has Sex With Everyone in Dead-End Subplots TAHC The Almost Hot Cop THCWRHCPAHDTR The Honest Cop Who Remembers His Checkered Past and Has Dramatically Timed Relapses BEE Bret Easton Ellis
INT. A TRENDY LONDON CLUB WITH STROBE LIGHTS AND LOTS OF ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE HP
Hey babe.
THCWRHCPAHDTR
Cut the crap. I need information.
HP
It'll cost you.
THCWRHCPAHDTR
How much?
HP
This much. HP unbuckles belt of THCWRHCPAHDTR. Strobe-lit sex. Loud, abrasive techno from The Crystal Method plays in the background. MONTAGE
THCWRHCPAHDTR taps cigarette ends on bar, has conflicted thoughts about illicit sex with HP. HDWORPOTBBFFHND twiddles thumbs in bathroom of club, looking at a client passed out of the floor, bleeding from the nose. Thinks about his newborn daughter. TAHC flips through dossiers at police headquarters. SGB fucks prostitute. HGWMUWTHSGB picks up purse in unspecified dim room containing drug paraphernalia. BEE flips up collar of trench coat while looking mopily out on the Thames. Snorts coke. Crappy acoustic guitar song whines in the background: lyrics — “Is it a crime?”
INT. A TRENDY LONDON CLUB WITH STROBE LIGHTS AND LOTS OF ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE, BUT NOT AS MANY AS THE FIRST TIME
TGWHSWEIDES walks, no, swaggers into same strobe-lit club with excessive hip swivelling. Pulls off black bob wig. Blond hair tumbles out. Makes out with HP. Snorts coke. Kisses THCWRHCPAHDTR on the cheek and says something dumb in French like “ooh la la”. The Out Crowd plays a Kinks rip-off . [Whoa. This movie is edgy.] INT. A PUBLIC BATHROOM STALL HDWORPOTBBFFHND
Half a kilo. You're incredible. THCWRHCPAHDTR clicks cuffs around wrist of HDWORPOTBBFFHND THCWRHCPAHDTR
You're under arrest. HDWORPOTBBFFHND thinks of newborn daughter. Flash to his house, where baby's mother snorts coke out of a diaper. Loud, abrasive techno from the Crystal Method plays in the background.
INT. BEDROOM
An eightsome between SGB, HP, TGWHSWEIDES, BEE, TAHC, HGWMUWTHSGB, and two extras interrupted by HDWORPOTBBFFHND (who squealed) and THCWRHCPAHDTR. ‘70s “soul” music full of “psychedelic” guitar riffs and horns and djembe drum plays in the background. BEE
Shouldn't we be talking in British accents?
SGB
Bloody hell. HP slips crack pipe in garter belt. TAHC surreptitiously takes digital photo of scene with a camera hidden in a neon-pink dildo. [Ooh, that stings.]
MONTAGE
SGB and HDWORPOTBBFFHND have agreed to some kind of duel that the police allow because, hey this is London, and this is the movies. In the leadup, HDWORPOTBBFFHND pockets a brick of smack after kissing his daughter. In an unspecified dim room with drug paraphernalia, HGWMUWTHSGB slaps SGB on the face and struts away with BEE. They flip SGB the bird and then lick each others middle fingers in a way that suggests they will soon share copious amounts of coitus and cocaine. TGWHSWEIDES opens a baggie and breathes in, starts laughing hysterically. TGWHSWEIDES
Baby powder! Orchestra swells after synth that sounds like it is saying “owwwwwOhh!” real quiet and melancholy like. A young woman sings “I won't be crying at your door” in a pained voice. HP loads gun for no apparent reason. Says something typically “British,” like “Let's have a go at knots and crosses, shall we?”
MONTAGE
Baby daughter dies. Saccharine lyrics bouncing over a thudding bass line create a clever dramatic tension with the scene: HDWORPOTBBFFHND shoots SGB. THCWRHCPAHDTR and TGWHSWEIDES beam at HDWORPOTBBFFHND's newborn son. BEE smokes cigar with HP, shrugs amiably at a window washer. HGWMUWTHSGB cries. Her makeup doesn't run. TAHC snorts coke, her hands shake a whole lot. FADE OUT.
1. London Listen Listen
2. Restless - Evil Nine Listen Listen
3. Smoked Listen Listen
4. Fire To me - Hyper Vs. The Crystal Method Listen Listen
5. Roboslut Listen Listen
6. Defective Listen Listen
7. Vice Listen Listen
8. Crime - Troy Bonnes Listen Listen
9. C'mon Children - The Out Crowd Listen Listen
10. Onesixteen Listen Listen
11. Sucker Punch - Connie Price And The Keystones Listen Listen
12. Glass Breaker Listen Listen
13. I Luv U Listen Listen
14. Nothing Like You And I - The Perishers
More about: The Crystal Method
