Announcer: Howdy folks, welcome to another ball-clinging episode of Why the Hype? with your host ... ME, Trent D’Arling!!! Here at WITCG, we place ordinary people in an awkward position by playing the zaniest music on the planet and then forcing them to analyze it! Sit in amazement as we spin selections from Obscuro Buzz Bin albums and laugh at the lame laymen contestants, whose knowledge of noise, drone, grind, and other cool-tool genres is laughably pedestrian! Let’s meet our contestents, eh?
First up we have our reigning champion Ted Brogan, a bricklayer from New Jersey. He likes bass fishing, T-model Fords, and Tyson fish sticks. Get out to many Mouthus shows these days Ted? Ahahahaa, just joshin’ ya, Ted, great to have you with us!
And for our challenger we have Mary McCormick, an, oh god, actress from Anaheim, California. She enjoys foxy boxing, Karaoke night at the Melted Spork, and spending time with her darling children and their stepfather, who she assures us quit drinking last week. So whaddya think of that new Smegma record, Mary, you digested that one yet? Hahaha, just tuggin’ yer tailfeathers, thanks so much for joining us!
In case you’ve never caught our [Ed Sullivan voice] ‘really big show,’ our format is simple: We play minute-long snippets of the most obscure albums imaginable, then challenge our contestants to come up with accurate, insightful descriptions of what they’ve just heard, all the while justifying the particular album’s plentiful word-of-mouth. Whoever impresses the judges most wins a round and takes home a pound ... of DOPE, that is!! As you can probably guess, we don’t get that many winners here, and that means MORE WEED FOR ME; AND A-ROUND WE GO!!!
The first selection we’re going to play for our contestants today is “Mombius Hibachi,” from The Melvins’ Honky. You wouldn’t know it from their M.O., but these guys really know how to lay the splintery wood. Ready contestants?
Ted, Mary: [hesitant nods]
D’Arling: LET’S PLAY THE GAME!!!
“Mombius Hibachi” is blasted from the studio’s speaker system. Both contestants look horrified as they alternately squint into the middle distance and scrawl frantically on their Jeopardy-style writing pads.
D’Arling: OK, pencils down, people, time to a-show us what you got! Mary?
Mary: “Mombus Apache” stabs me in face holes. If I had lots of licorices I would give them one. A sure-fires hit with the kid.
D’Arling: And Ted, you beautiful beast, you, what did you come up with?
Ted [in squealy New Jersey accent]: You want I should just say what I wrote?
D’Arling: Yes, that’d be fine.
Ted: Well alright chief, here goes: “Mombius Hitachi,” or whateva-the-fuck, is a goofy-ass song with a tense, uh, whadyacallit, feeling. It makes my head hurt, but then again so does layin’ bricks -- so what the shit already? It’s no Frankie Valli, but it don’t turn my stomach none so I’d say they rock pretty haad.
D’Arling: ADORABLE! THAT’s why I love hosting this show -- the genius! Up next we’re gonna queue up a brutal track called “Shoot the Pig” by Bloodlet.
The thundering opening riff from “Shoot the Pig” engulfs the studio. Again, both contestants look uneasy.
D’Arling: Tiiiiiiime’s UP! Scary Mary, what’d you come up with?
Mary: I’s impressed. Loudened rifts and drum-eds. Too much screamings though. Not music for bedtimes.
D’Arling: What about you, Ted-man?
Ted: Well I appreciate the message of the song because my bro used to get hassled by the fuzz like daily before he was put away. This makes me wanna cave in somebody’s face with a freakin’ tire iron, yo. It’s no Petula Clark, but it don’t turn my stomach none so I’d say they rock pretty haad.
D’Arling: [grimaces] Well that’s ... that’s nice, Tedula. Judges?
A ‘meh’-sounding buzzer whines.
D’Arling: Oooooh, rejected! No soup for you, eh? Haha, ok, for the final round here on Why the Hype?, which definitely sounds MADE UP btw, we’re going to play a selection from Rameses III’s Basilica. I think it’s safe to say that whatever our contestants come up with will make us infinitely dumber. Roll it!
A soft, clear cry cuddles the studio like warm, flabby arms, but the contestants still appear puzzled until a suddenly serene look comes over Ted’s face as he jots with determination, like a man on a mission from god.
D’Arling: AND WE’RE OUT OF TIME!!! So Mary, what did you think of Rameses III? Did it ‘rocks’?
Mary: Whats? Rameseses Threes sound movies like, as in film. Kinda borings.
D’Arling: Mary, I have personally fallen deeply in love with you over the last half-hour, and your enlightening answers are the reason. We’ll have to see what the judges think but I’d say Ted has his work cut out for him with platinum scissors. What’d you come up with, Teddie?
Ted: [clears throat, glances around studio like he just got there, looks down at writing pad and reads in an academic voice] Rameses III are the undying epitome of ethereal drone. They drop subtle variances into their music, only apparent if you zoom in real close, much like the changes in our lives, which barely register as a blip on the world’s radar yet seem so important when magnified. Artistically viable and epistemologically -- from a musical standpoint -- solid, these provocative, engagingly sweeping soundscapes do what so many musicians cannot: imitate the truly limited nuance of life without frantically coloring in the edges. Taking cues from the same all-knowing drone deity as Growing and Stars Of The Lid, Rameses III pull magic from a limited cycle, showing you all the loving shades that can be derived from a single swatch before moving on to the next proverbial palette. All in all, a textbook example of laconic art that understates its pleasures to all but the most studied, patient listener, and for that you will be rewarded if you give these UK sine-wave scenesters the chance to send you on a trip-AFLAGHOUGHGPFFLPTTTPTTP!!!! AFGOAGHPLAFFTUGHAGHAOUGHU .... [Ted shakes his head and rubs his eyes as if coming out of a dream.] Uhhhh, I don’t ... I don’t know what happened there, but uh, Burmese ’re pretty good.
D’Arling: Wow. Pretty pretentious Ted. Judges?
A pleasant, bubbly sound explodes from the studio’s sound system.
D’Arling: AND IT LOOKS LIKE WHY THE HYPE HAS ITS FIRST WINNER!!!! MARY MCCORMICK, PLEASE STEP UP TO THE STAGE AND CLAIM YOUR POUND OF SWEET, SWEET SAIGON SALLY! And Ted, nice try, but no one likes a snotty ‘music-enthusiast’ douchebag. Grow up. THANKS FOR JOINING US FOLKS, AND REMEMBER: IF IT AIN’T OBVIOUS, IT AIN’T GOOD. GOOD NIGHT!!!!
More about: Rameses III
