Be it Radiohead or Portishead, Björk or the Breeders, Kraftwerk or... er, Kraftwork, famed mid-Spring rock festival Coachella (a.k.a. Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival) rolls onward to yet another season of sweet, sweet musical ambivalence with the recent unveiling of its 2008 lineup from a press conference in Mexico.
The problem? Well, see, turns out Coachella has been forced to layoff a few "non-essential" members of their marketing department in order to pay for withered pretty-boy Roger Waters, who will be playing the entirety of 1973's Dark Side of the Moon in all of its overstuffed, hippie glory on the final night of this goofy, something-for-everyone festival.
The solution? Well, in their infinite wisdom, these vigorous California go-getters asked ME to kind of fill in the cracks in the ad campaigns for the other headliners. I figured I would start by drumming up a few slogans. You know, just to kind of get the public interested. Let's see here:
- Jack Johnson: Spring break road trip, eh, Sigma Pi brothers???
- The Verve: What was that song they did? "Freshmen," right???
- Portishead: As close to Radiohead as you're gonna get THIS year, cry babies!
- The Raconteurs: What do you mean?! This IS Jack White's real band!
- Death Cab for Cutie: Warning: Ben Gibbard's face WILL be on a jumbo screen.
- Kraftwerk: Look dad! Floyd AND Kraftwerk! Happy Early Fathers' Day!
- My Morning Jacket: The Original Band of Horses!
- Love and Rockets: Uh... who?
- Oh yeah, and don't forget Rilo Kiley, Justice, M.I.A., and The Breeders, young hipsters! Fuck the establishment, am I right? Outta sight, my man!
Well, that's about all I've got so far. But there are 125 artists scheduled for this thing, so I've got my work cut out for me before April 25-27 at Empire Polo Field in Indio, CA. I'd better stop fooling around and get crack-a-lackin'. I don't want to let down the fans, man.
Oh shit, almost forgot! A complete lineup is available at the festival's MySpace page, and tickets go on sale January 25 at Coachella.com. Get ‘em now, before your dad/frat brother/friend from the ‘90s/Jack White fan/Grey's Anatomy-lover gets there first!
Phew! How about that, Coachella? Am I hired?
