1586, 1775, 1812, 1964, and now 2009?
Last Sunday’s Grammy Awards has led some to ask if we are witnessing a new British Invasion. Robert Plant won five awards, while Adele, Duffy, Radiohead, and Estelle picked up another six between them. Coldplay headed the British contingent in 2009 with seven nominations, three awards, major label backing, and pretentious notions of being a “great band.”
However, similar to the stymied Brits in the Saratoga campaign of 1777, the incompetent Generals in the Battle of New Orleans in 1814, and John Lennon’s “We’re bigger than Jesus” claim in 1966, Coldplay’s leadership will be undermined by relentless crooning, grandma-friendly anthems, and plagiaristic guitar lines in 2009.
The decorated band will begin their campaign July 10 in Portland, Oregon, undoubtedly hoping for a quick victory against a weak target. Thousands of traitors, posing as “cool” high-school kids, will attend these events hypnotized by the insidious media’s belief that Coldplay are “hip” and “innovative trend-setters.”
Countless times before, Americans have stood up against the British imperialists and their cheap, immoral forms of popular culture. We must not fail our ancestors now! Rise up on the following dates:
07.10.09 - Portland, OR - The Amphitheater at Clark County
07.11.09 - George, WA - The Gorge Amphitheatre
07.13.09 - San Francisco, CA - Shoreline Amphitheatre
07.16.09 - San Diego, CA - Cricket Wireless Amphitheatre
07.18.09 - Carson, CA - Home Depot Center
07.21.09 - Dallas, TX - Superpages.com Center
07.22.09 - Houston, TX - Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion
07.24.09 - Maryland Heights, MO - Verizon Wireless Amphitheater
07.25.09 - East Troy, WI - Alpine Valley Music Theatre
07.29.09 - Toronto, ON - TBD
08.03.09 - Mansfield, MA - Comcast Center
08.06.09 - Raleigh, NC - Time Warner Cable Music Pavilion
08.07.09 - Charlotte, NC - Charlotte Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre
08.09.09 - Tampa, FL - Ford Amphitheatre
