[Rustling of paper, a hand raking over face, sound of metal tapping glass table, two heavy snorts, licking of plastic bag]
WOAH, what the hell happened there? Sorry about that, folks; I was doing some crystal meth in my breakfast nook, and when I returned to my computer, I passed out. I woke up, peeled my bare torso from the seat of my pleather computer chair like a fruit roll-up from its wrapper and found this idiotic poem on my desktop. So sorry about that! Hey, speaking of wrappers, Brother Ali is a pretty good one. He doesn’t have the patented burp that locks in freshness, but he DOES have a secret weapon: twist-ties. You don’t need one of those trendy, blog-approved freshness seals when you’ve got a corral of twist-ties! They do the trick every time, from the backstreets to Blackstreet.
Another thing... in my blackout-induced haze, I realized Brother Ali isn’t taking the steps necessary to get famous in the rap game. First off, he needs to get shot a few times. Last time I checked, you had to have at LEAST 24 bullet holes in your torso to deserve a major-label contract. And where’s the "dancin’ bitches"? I saw this special on MTV and it said you HAVE to have "dancin’ bitches" in your videos to win the game. Hear that Brother? And not having a Martha Stewart-produced track is the nail in the coffin; look, you can spend your time writing seamless albums if you want, but only a M-to-the-Stewart shout-out will land you in a limo with Luda or a sitcom with Ice-T. Then she’ll make guest appearances in your videos and maybe sign you to her vanity imprint. Then she'll get hella-jealous of you and have you rubbed out. Then she'll write a tribute song to your sorry, dead ass. Hey, it’s all about survival. Thought you knew that.
Brother Ali's Undisputed Truth is set for an April 10 release through Rhymesayers.
Look for jiggling flesh at the following tourdates:
04.10.07 - Duluth, MN - Pizza Luce
04.11.07 - Fargo, ND - House of Rock
04.12.07 - Mankato, MN - What's Up Lounge
04.13.07 - Iowa City, IA - Picador
04.14.07 - Omaha, NE - Sokol Underground
04.16.07 - Aspen, CO - Belly Up
04.17.07 - Boulder, CO - Fox Theatre
04.19.07 - Menomonie, WI - University of Wisconsin
04.20.07 - Madison, WI - High Noon Saloon
04.21.07 - Chicago, IL - Subterranean
04.22.07 - Bloomington, IN - Bluebird
04.23.07 - St. Louis, MO - Washington University
04.24.07 - Louisville, KY - Uncle Pleasants
04.25.07 - Ann Arbor, MI - Blind Pig
04.27.07 - Indio, CA - Coachella Festival
04.28.07 - Columbus, OH - Skully's Music Diner
04.29.07 - Cleveland, OH - Grog Shop
05.01.07 - Burlington, VT - Higher Ground Lounge
05.02.07 - Boston, MA - Middle East
05.03.07 - New York, NY - Knitting Factory
05.04.07 - Philadelphia, PA - The Church
05.05.07 - Baltimore, MD - Ottobar
05.06.07 - Charlottesville, VA - Starr Hill
05.08.07 - Carrboro, NC - Cats Cradle
05.09.07 - Wilmington, NC - Soapbox
05.10.07 - Mt Pleasant, SC - Village Tavern
05.11.07 - Orlando, FL - The Social
05.12.07 - Atlanta, GA - Drunken Unicorn
05.14.07 - Birmingham, AL - The Nick
05.15.07 - New Orleans, LA - Parish - HOB
05.16.07 - Austin, TX - Emos Lounge
05.17.07 - Albuquerque, NM - Launchpad
05.18.07 - Tucson, AZ - Club Congress
05.19.07 - Flagstaff, AZ - Orpheum
05.21.07 - Pomona, CA - Glasshouse
05.22.07 - San Diego, CA - Belly Up
05.23.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Troubadour
05.24.07 - San Luis Obispo, CA - Downtown Brew
05.25.07 - San Francisco, CA - Slims
05.26.07 - Reno, NV - New Oasis
05.29.07 - Eugene, OR - WOW Hall
05.30.07 - Portland, OR - Hawthorne Theatre
05.31.07 - Seattle, WA - Vera Project
06.01.07 - Bellingham, WA - Night Light
06.02.07 - Missoula, MT - The Loft
06.04.07 - Salt Lake City, UT - Urban Lounge
06.05.07 - Denver, CO - Bluebird Theatre
06.06.07 - Kansas City, KS - Record Bar
06.07.07 - Des Moines, IA - Vaudeville Mews
06.08.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue (Homecoming Show!)
