As I think back on my long association with Clutch — from the time I first heard the classic “Juggernaut” B-side to the time I saw them play an enhanced ‘swing’ version of “Dragonfly” in a Spokane dive — I can’t help but run through different associations I have with their band name. To wit, ‘clutch’ can comprise an important part of an automobile, the part that windshield-wiper fluid goes into, methinks. I’m not really sure though; I’ve always been a white-collar pussy, to be straight about it. I used to date a girl from a family of car mechanics, and they would just sit and stare at me, amused. I wish they would have talked to me more though because I’m sure they were thinking the same thing I was: White-Collar Pussy.
Which brings me to another use of the word ‘clutch’: some things are just, well, CLUTCH, and some things aren’t. For example:
Clutch: making the winning basket with .01 seconds left to play in the NBA Finals
NOT Clutch: playing your little brother on a kiddie hoop and dominating him like Bill Murray’s swooping rejection in Rushmore, then telling your mom he’s not very athletic
Clutch: hot sex with a totally hot hottie in the hot-as-hell backseat of a hot-pink VW bus
NOT Clutch: masturbating with your thumb in your ass in the back of a short bus
Clutch: when your best friend shows up at a concert with your ticket and a fatty, which you both enjoy in the front row
NOT Clutch: when your best friend shows up at a concert and explains that he spent your ticket money on Taco Time, a Love Tester arcade game, and a 3-D poster, which you enjoy grudgingly while he watches the show
Clutch: watching Pantera open for Skid Row in 1992, just before the Big Hair Ban
NOT Clutch: watching Skid Row when Pantera’s done
Clutch: Scotty Ian
NOT Clutch: Ted Nugent
Clutch: hearing Deltron 3030 at a college party five years ago
NOT Clutch: hearing Deltron 3030 at a college party last night
Clutch: being vegetarian
NOT Clutch: talking about being vegetarian
Clutch: every Clutch album up to and including Pure Rock Fury
NOT Clutch: every Clutch album since Pure Rock Fury
See how some things come through in the Clutch and some don’t? It’s a fine line, let me tellya, and though Clutch haven’t been too clutch of late, they got another chance when they released From Beale Street to Oblivion on March 27. They’ll also try to make a ‘swish’ in a concert venue near you, unless you live in Pullman, Washington... but I guess that’s a given.
How many tourdates does it take to impress Scotty Ian?:
