I was sifting through my childhood items last week, separating the goods from the "what the hell was I thinking?" the latter of which included my signed photo from Tim Allen. "Be cool to your tools... grr, grr," he wrote on the back. I'm almost married now, and I don't need to use that item to get laid anymore. Suddenly, I came across a letter I had written to Dave Grohl when I was in seventh grade. In light of The Foo Fighters' sixth studio album, Echoes, Silence, Patience And Grace, set for release September 25 on Roswell/RCA (just 14 days after I was violently violated by cats), I decided to share my letter with you all. Please forgive my poor grammar and immaturity; I was only 13.
Dear Asshat,Thanks for ruining my favorite Mentos commercials for me with your video for "Big Me". You're not funny dude. I hope videos become obsolete in ten years, because your video made me want to eat my own poop. Yeah, it was that bad. Anyways, if Kurt was still alive I bet he'd think you're an asshat too.
I'll have to admit that I like your CD though. It is good. I hope your new album The Colour and the Shape is kick ass man! I bet it will suck though. I hope you never take yourself too seriously. Knowing how big of an asshat you are though you'll probably think your music will change the world when really it will probably only become the theme song to some short-live TV show. Ha, I bet some lamewad, like Sting or Prince, will cover one of your whiney, look-at-me songs for the Super Bowl or something. Ha, I'd seriously eat my own poop if that ever happened.
Anyways, I ain't hatin'. Could you please send me an autographed picture of yourself? So far only Tim Allen has sent me one. That bums me out. At least I've met Zach from Saved by the Bell, Jodie Sweetin, and the Tiny Toons at a car show. I bet I know more celebrities than you. Suck it Grohl!
Your biggest fan,
Emceegreg
I regret writing that letter now. I have no beef with you, Mr. Grohl. In fact, I'm looking forward to your new album, even though you never sent me a reply. The Foo dudes have also just released a reissued and remastered 10th anniversary deluxe edition of The Colour and the Shape featuring six bonus tracks. Wow, six bonus tracks! Maybe I'll sell my Jodie Sweetin autograph so I can buy it, or maybe I'll buy some meth to send to Sweetin. Seriously though, even more than I regret writing this article, I really, really regret eating my own shit.
Echoes, Silence, Patience And Grace tracklist, sequence remains TBD:
