Like the Deacon in Universal Picture’s Waterworld, starring Kevin Costner as a enigmatic seafarer (SPOILER!!!!!! WITH GILLS), Mr P has gone mad in a quest for blog dominance. Actually, now that I’m writing this down, I’m realizing that the Deacon (as excellently portrayed by Dennis Hopper) had absolutely no justification for his ongoing battles with the scattered atolls and remnants of humanity. He was more or less destroying things... just cause. And while I will not deny the aesthetic/hilarity value of sending men holding harpoons, in tattered clothing, on jetskis, over scrap metal walls, I’m not sure that constitutes character motivation. ADDITIONALLY, if they were so far in the future... alright, that's it. I’m making a list of plot holes in Universal Picture’s Waterworld starring Kevin Costner.
1 - Why didn’t anyone just go to the high ground when the ice caps were melting? The only way that they would not do this would have been if the ice caps had melted in like 15 seconds.
1a - How did people have time to construct massive floating civilizations scattered throughout the world but didn’t have time to go to a mountain?
2 - How was Kevin Costner the only one who grew gills?
2a - Did he have parents? Did THEY have gills? Did his parents mate with fish? WERE his parents fish?
2b - At Enola’s Atoll, it is discovered that Kevin Costner has gills (because he doesn’t want to make some girl pregnant... no one has appropriately acknowledged that huge leap in reasoning); why would they attempt to kill him rather than breed him so humanity can... you know... continue?
3 - The map on Enola’s back meant absolutely nothing. And the overall solution was just flying until Dry Land was found.
3a - Why had no one tried this plan before?
4 - Where did the smoker’s tobacco reserves come from? If enough time had passed that Kevin Costner could grow GILLS, shouldn’t the remaining tobacco supplies been used up or rotted?
5 - Why does everyone call gasoline “Go-Juice” and water “Hydro”. Nearly every other word from before the flood has survived and yet the names of the most important and most abundant things, respectively, have been lost.
5a - And yet the character still call the place they live Waterworld rather than hydroworld...
5a1 - Why did the name of the planet change anyway?
5a2 - The characters deny that Dry Land ever existed and yet they call it Waterworld, suggesting that they are aware that at one point water was not the only thing present.
6 - Why are machines still functioning perfectly?
7 - How did this film NOT find mainstream success?
POINT BEING (other than the fact that Universal Picture’s Waterworld starring Kevin Costner is rife with inconsistencies), Mr P has gone on a quest for control of the indierock blogosphere with a viciousness normally reserved for Dennis Hopper’s attacks on innocent atollis. In a staff e-mail, he directed every writer to pen something that would do more damage to P4k’s (or, as he put it, pSUk’s LOL AMIRITE?’s) credibility than the line head writer- Waterworld would do on a resume. This leaves me in a position where I say something disparaging about Lil Wayne (NOT happening) or give a compliment, that is not belittling or backhanded, to a Kinsella.
So: Mike: I hope your upcoming tour under your Owen moniker goes well. Your stripped-down, AIM profile-ready lyrics do not remind me of John Mayer. Not at all. I hear you’re playing with City on Film. Bob Nanna is pretty neat sometimes. I like his name. Maybe you’ll get to eat some good food abroad and see the sights. That would be nice.
* With The City On Film
Tim: I hope the 7-inch of reworked Joan Of Arc songs from your last album sells enough to allow you to continue making music. I imagine this work will help boost share ratios on OiNK. People will appreciate that too. The white vinyl will also be nice to look at. I assume.
Many Times I’ve Mistaken 7-inch:
1. Many Times I've Mistaken
2. Eventually All At Once
Nate: Are you still in jail? I hope not. Watching you play drums was amusing. Actually, just checked. You are not. That’s good. I hope you don’t get arrested at your upcoming shows with Tortoise. Additionally, I hope you are not upstaged by their drummer
06.30.07 - Minneapolis, Minnesota - Cedar Cultural Center *
07.01.07 - Chicago, Illinois - Metro *
* Tortoise
TAKE THAT SCHREIBER.
