Reasons To Hate Lil' John
1) His stupid name.
2) His stupid face.
3) His stupid teeth.
4) His stupid music.
5) He was in Date Movie. You didn't know that, because you didn't see it, but I did. I had to. And he was in it. So I hate him more.
6) He's now a holder of a Guinness World Record.
To compare:
Mother Teresa
Opened orphanages and hospices in some of the poorest parts of the world.
Lil' John
Shouts "HEYYYYYYY!" a lot.
Mother Teresa
Lived in poverty her entire life so that she could help those in need.
Lil' John
Shouts "YEEYYYAAAAAH!" a lot.
Mother Teresa
Beatified by Jean-Paul II in 2003.
Lil' John
Shouts "HEYYYYYYYY!" some more.
Mother Teresa
0 Guinness World Records
Lil' John
1 Guinness World Record
Lil' John now holds the record for -- ahem -- the largest pendant in the world. It is, apparently, 34.4 ounces in weight, 7.5 inches long, and 6 inches wide, set in white and yellow gold, and with a total stone count of 3,756 white diamonds. And what does this $500,000 monstrosity look like? What message does it hold? I was guessing "HEEYYYYYYYY!" maybe. Or possibly "YEEYYAAAAAH!" Or p'raps "HEEEYYYYYY! YEEEYAAAAAAHH!" -- I can't imagine "HEEEEEYYYYYY!" on its own taking up any more than 2,000 diamonds and 15 ounces of gold. But, no, Lil' John went for something a little more sophisticated.
"CRUNK'S NOT DEAD."
You sure? You absolutely positive? Because I think that if it wasn't before, it fucking well is now. Congratulations: here's the Nunpuncher World Record for most ironic pendant. You just killed crunk with the monumental, continent-shattering lameness of your neck furniture. You just killed hip-hop. In fact, fuck that -- you just killed music. That's it. It's dead. Go home.
7) His stupid goblets.
