There are several mysteries on earth that man may never know the answer to. Riddles that need solving, problems that need solutions, puzzles that need, er, jigsaw-ing — that kind of thing. But who are we as mere mortals to expect everything to be placed on our lap like a dinner-time napkin? It’s just not how life works... some things are meant to remain a mystery.
For example, what’s the difference between an Arby’s Melt and an Arby’s Beef ’n’ Cheddar? They both have beef, both are lavishly topped with cheese that should by all rights be plopped on a nacho, both are housed comfortably by a bread-based bun. Questions like this have haunted man for centuries; you could spend your entire life knocking your brains out, or you could just accept that you don’t know everything... but man, what is the difference? And why do tortilla chips have to be a snack and not a meal, you know? I don’t understand stuff like that...
Many people were equally confounded when I put Our Brother The Native’s debut album, Tooth and Claw, wayyyyyyyy up high on my 2006 Top-25 list. “What are you thinking, you fool, you blasphemist, you conjurer of messy roast beast!” they said. “Go back to the indie cave from whenst you came and take your beefy cheddars and large curlies with you. You... you disgust me. [whispering] Oh, and could I bum a few curlies before you hit the road?”
My reasoning? Well, I think it’s a great album. It stirred the juices of inspiration in me like only a superior piece of art (or a superior order of curlies) can. When I heard it for the first time, I stood up in the middle of my sprawling workplace and yelled, “My life now starts ANEW! Things are going to be different for me from now on!! You! Yes you, with the purple shirt, GET ME A CUP OF COFFEE!! You with the arched eyebrows, FLUFF MY SEAT CUSHION! THAT’S RIGHT, REALLY KNEAD THAT SHIT!!! I’ll be back to rule some more after my two-hour lunch break. BE AFRAID!”
And that was about it. I might have also used my super-powers to manipulate the weather, thus causing a huge indoor hurricane, but I don’t really remember. I was pretty tired that day. Speaking of tired, Our Brother The Native aren’t tired at all. In fact, they’ve completed their sophomore [pronounced ‘Soph-OOOO-Meuvre] album for FatCat Records, to be entitled Make Ammends, for We are Merely Vessels. They’ve even planned a short beef ’n’ cheddar, I mean, tour, for March. Well how about that, a tour! Some real go-getters, they are.
[I think it has to do with the size/persuasion of the bun, the weight of the roast beef, and the mandatory use of special sauce]:
