Billy Dill-Dill: Booo-hoo-hoo-hooooooooo... [sobs, sniffing noises, honking-on-hanky sounds, unintelligible mumbling, baby talk, more sniffing sounds, eye-wiping]
Granthegumshoe: [speaking in a condescending voice one might use to talk to a toddler] Hey, what's wrong Billy Dill-Dill?
Billy Dill-Dill: Well two more wet sniffs, one last gargantuan honk on hanky], I just bought [The Psychic Paramount's Live 2002: The Franco-Italian Tour CD (TMT Review) and there's something wrong with it. [voice quavering, cracking, breaking] Every time I... [another honk; thought he was done!] Every time I play it there's this weird distortion sound and way too much bass. I don't know if it's a defective disc or if I need new speakers, but I feel like I've nowhere to turn.
Granthegumshoe: Awww, that's so cute! [slap Billy's bum, pinch his nose, ruffle his hair] Don't worry young lad, the "defective disc" you speak of is actually working perfectly. You see, sometimes when a band really loves its listeners it wants to show its listeners just how much it loves them...
Billy Dill-Dill: [looking impatient] Hey, aren't you supposed to refer to bands plurally?
Granthegumshoe: FUCK YOU!!! ALWAYS INTERRUPTING ME EVERY TIME I TRY TO HELP YOU! DON'T YOU WANT TO LEARN? DON'T YOU WANT TO LEARN THE WAYS OF THE WORLD? THE BIRDS AND THE BEES? THAT KIND OF THING?
Billy Dill-Dill: So-rry.
Granthegumshoe: Okay then. Now, as I was saying, when a band really loves their listeners they want to show their listeners just how much they love them; they want to be as close to their listeners as they possibly can, and kissing can only take you so far. That's why bands sometimes release live albums that sound like total shit. They want you to feel like you were there. So, you see little Billy Dill-Dill, you don't have a defective CD at all! In fact, you might say your CD works even better than most!!! Besides, they're planning to release a new studio album on No Quarter in the fall of this year. Does that help?
Billy Dill-Dill: Wow! Thanks Grantie, I feel a whole lot better! Sometimes I just get scared, you know?
Granthegumshoe: Well you should be scared, Billy. Sure, your CD isn't defective, but your daddy's an unemployed alcoholic and your mommy is making boom-boom with the mailman. In fact, the mailman's actually your daddy and everyone in town knows. They all snicker and point at you when you're not looking; in fact, I'm pretty sure no one likes you. [pull up cuff of sleeve, look at watch, grimace] Ooh, looks like I gotta go! See you around fatty!
Billy Dill-Dill: WAHAHAHAHAAAAAAH, booo-hoo-hoo-hooooooooo... [sobs, sniffing noises, honking-on-hanky sounds, unintelligible mumbling, baby talk, more sniffing sounds, eye-wiping]
You might see your friendly -- and sexy -- neighborhood mailman at one of these tourdates:
All dates with Trans Am and Zombi
