Lesson 1:
Remember that coming up with something original is hard work. So don’'t. Why bother trying when you can string sentences together like a useless tit by using catch-fire phrases? For example, if you are writing a story about Richard Hawley, it has been proven time and time again these lazy words always do the trick nicely:
bespectacled
Sheffield
crooner
former Pulp guitarist (acceptable to combine this with entry below)
former Longpigs guitarist (acceptable to combine this with entry above)
2005 Mercury Prize-nominated album Coles Corner
*(bonus tip: use snappy phrase for album like “long-player”)
For album news, you will have to mention the album’'s title, release date, label, and tracklisting. Try something like this: “Bespectacled Sheffield crooner Richard Hawley will be releasing a new album on August 20 in the UK and on October 2 in the U.S. The long-player, entitled Lady’s Bridge, will be released through Mute Records and is the follow-up to the former Pulp and Longpigs guitarist’s 2005 Mercury Prize-nominated album Coles Corner. Here is the tracklist!”
1. Valentine
2. Roll River Roll
3. Serious
4. Tonight the Streets Are Ours
5. Lady Solitude
6. Dark Road
7. The Sea Calls
8. Lady’s Bridge
9. I’m Looking for Someone To Find Me
10. Our Darkness
11. The Sun Refused To Shine
For tour news, you will have to list the show dates, the host city and country, and the venue name. Repeating album news (like in the example posted above) is encouraged. Try something like this: “Bespectacled Sheffield crooner Richard Hawley will be touring the United Kingdom in September in support of his forthcoming album out on Mute Records on August 20 in the UK and on October 2 in the U.S. The long-player, entitled Lady’'s Bridge, will be released through Mute Records and is the follow up to the former Pulp and Longpigs guitarist’'s 2005 Mercury Prize-nominated album Coles Corner. Here are the dates!”
09.02.07 - Southampton, England - Guildhall
09.03.07 - Cambridge, England - Corn Exchange
09.04.07 - Brighton, England - Dome
09.05.07 - London, England - Roundhouse
09.07.07 - Birmingham, England - Symphonic Hall
09.08.07 - Liverpool, England - Philharmonic
09.09.07 - Oxford, England - New Theatre
09.10.07 - Bristol, England - Colston Hall
09.12.07 - Sheffield, England - City Hall
09.14.07 - Edinburgh, Scotland - Queens Hall
09.16.07 - Glasgow, Scotland - City Halls
09.17.07 - Gateshead, England - Sage
09.19.07 - Leicester, England - De Montford Hall
09.20.07 - Bradford, England - St. Georges Hall
09.21.07 - Manchester, England - Bridgewater Hall
09.23.07 - Dublin, Rep. of Ireland - The Place
Lesson 2:
Pump your fist in the air and yell, “"I'’m a music journalist"!” Feel free to call your friends and family to gloat about the success and fame that you will soon be experiencing. Look into the mirror with a smug, self-congratulatory grin. Pretend you are banging a supermodel while you beat off into the crapper.
End of lessons.
