Oh man, sweet, hells yeah I’m taking this news assignment! SLED ISLAND, dawg! Never heard of it, but that place sounds fun as hell: skis, slopes, dope motherfucking log cabins, hot ass chocolate with Baileys and the little plume of steam coming off it, fine-ass snow bunnies hopping around the beginners hill, literal snow bunnies being cute as fuck… all on a secluded island guarded by some fierce-ass, primordial giant, mythical snowmen with some cold-blooded sapphires for eyes! Count me in, dawg. I am there. I am so totally there.
Wait. What? Sled Island is just some lamewad Canadian Music Festival, taking place in downtown Calgary in Alberta, Canada June 20-30 of this year at Olympic Plaza as well as at several other of the city’s cultural cornerstones? Oh, boo. And I had my hyperbolic tone and overuse of casual profanity dialed in just right already, too! You can’t get that stuff back once it’s gone, you know. Well, fine, I guess that makes more sense for me to be reporting on, now that I think about it. I’ll just put the snow bunnies out of my mind! Okay, so who are the bands? Let’s see: Feist, The Hold Steady, Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks, Archers of Loaf, Andrew W.K., Grimes, Timber Timbre, Thurston Moore, and about 190 more to be announced? Okay, that’s actually pretty good. But how much are weekend passes? Probably like a ton. Oh, just $45 a day for the Olympia Plaza shows (on sale now), $179 for the Festival Discovery Pass and $299 for the Festival Discovery Plus Pass??? Damn, that’s… that’s pretty reasonable, I guess.
But wait a minute! “Festival Discovery”? Festival Discovery PLUS”?? This all sounds mega-confusing, and I bet there’s not even any additional information on the internet or place to buy tickets, is there? Oh, people can just visit sledisland.com for more details on Western Canada’s largest independent music festival? Arggg. FINE. I give up. This event seems “cool.” WHATEVER. Fuck those bunnies (whoa, not the literal ones).
• Sled Island Festival: http://www.sledisland.com
More about: Feist
