Dear Betty and Veronica,

My whole school is infested with boys, but most of them are not my type. I do like one boy but the problem is that he already has two girlfriends. What can I do to get him to drop those girls and take notice of me? What should I do? I am sooo confused.
—Confused

Dear Confused,

Hi new pen pal! Don't be all down in the dumps about boys 'cause they're so dreamy! Take my Archiekins, for example. Whenever he is spending too much time mooning over that incorrigible Veronica Lodge or when he stands me up for a date to hang around with his football chums, I just go that extra mile and bake him a cake or do his homework for Miss Grundy's class. There are loads of things you could do to turn his head! Oh... maybe you should buy him a ticket to see Over the Atlantic and Beach House at one of the shows I have printed out below. And you can make it an imaginary triple-double-date because both bands are duos! What fun! I wish Archie and I could go with you. We could tour around Riverdale in jalopies and go for malts at Pop's Soda Shoppe and live the white uptight life! It's still the bestest! Go for it girlfriend!
—Betty

Dear Confused,

Oh Confused! Relax dahling. The female of the species is deadlier than the male, so it should be you calling the shots and breaking hearts. I mean, look how what I do to that red-headed freak Archie Andrews. I've got the kid so wound up all of the time you can spy the wet patch on his Toughskins' crotch every time the dork is within 50 yards of me! A girl's not a girl if she can't lead some poor sap around by the nose. I could buy and sell his family over and over, but I choose to let him bankrupt his bank balance and dignity to make me happy. What's with that tic-tac-toe design shaved into his hair anyways? That kinda shit might have worked in the forties but this is 2006! Whatever... this is an advice column for you middle-class peasants, so I guess I have to give some advice. Two great bands, Over the Atlantic and Beach House, are playing the cities listed below soon. Make this chump buy you a ticket to one of them. I would also make it clear that you only travel in stretch limos and that it's the only way he has a chance at getting any that night. C'mon, you don't want to give us cock-blockers and stuck-up teases a bad name! Do it or I can make it very difficult for you to get into even the most un-ivy league school. You hear?
—Veronica

Ah the eternal question... Betty or Veronica? Does it even matter? Even the hot blonde-next-door and the bitchy, wannabe j.a.p. brunette are in mind-cahoots about the time and money worth spending on Victoria Legrand and Alex Scally (Beach House), and Nik Brinkman and Bevan Smith (Over the Atlantic). Both acts recently released debut albums on Carpark Records: Beach House with its self-titled disc on October 3 and Over the Atlantic with Junica on September 19.

10.31.06 - Baltimore, MD - H and H Building, Floristree Space
11.01.06 - New York, NY - Cake Shop (Paw Tracks/Carpark CMJ showcase)
11.02.06 - Cambridge, MA - The Lily Pad
11.03.06 - Montréal, Quebec - Zoo Bizarre
11.04.06 - Toronto, Ontario - Tranzac
11.05.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Garfield Artworks
11.06.06 - Chicago, IL - Gunther Murphy's
11.07.06 - Minneapolis, MN - Big V's
11.08.06 - Fargo, ND - Aquarium
11.09.06 - Missoula, MT - Crazy Daisy
11.10.06 - Seattle, WA - Conor Byrne
11.11.06 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Pat's Pub *
11.12.06 - Portland, OR - Towne Lounge
11.14.06 - San Francisco, CA - Hemlock Tavern
11.16.06 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo #
11.18.06 - Dallas, TX - Amsterdam Bar
11.19.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's
11.20.06 - Houston, TX - The Proletariat
11.21.06 - New Orleans, LA - One Eyed Jacks
11.22.06 - Atlanta, GA - Drunken Unicorn $
11.24.06 - Chapel Hill, NC - Nightlight
11.25.06 - Washington, DC - The Red and the Black
11.26.06 - New York, NY - Tonic %

* w/ Montag
# w/ Ariel Pink
$ w/ The Evangelicals
% w/ Avey Tare (Animal Collective) & Kria Brekken (Müm)