In the music festival criminal justice system, FUN is represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the fun police, who investigate crimes of TOO MUCH AWESOMENESS; and lazy music journalists, who come up with shitty leads for news articles. These are their stories.
Tonight on Law & Order: Special Music Festival Unit: a suspicious crime of TOO MUCH AWESOMENESS has swathed the music festival promoters of America in a thick cloak of FEAR.
[Close up of beardo-lookin’ dude in flannel.] “All the headliners!!! They’re… they’re gone! They’ve been taken!” Tune in tonight at 9/8 PM CST.
TAKEN. But by whom? Okay, fine, I’ve never seen a full episode of that damn show, so I’ll just tell you. Miami’s Ultra Music Festival took them, and they booked them up real nice. Sorry, other summer festivals. Everyone you wanted to book has already been booked into a festival line-up more solid than the princess cut diamond in Kanye West’s ear. Kraftwerk? Got ‘em. New Order? BOOKED. Justice? Already picking out their best Don Johnson-wear. Fatboy Slim? Naturally. David Guetta? Um… yeah, sure, that guy’s on board, too. As are Avicii, Tiësto, M83, Groove Armada (DJ Set), Duck Sauce, 2manydjs, Flux Pavilion, Carl Cox, Armin Van Buuren, Kaskade, Bassnectar, Chase and Status, The Bloody Beetroots, A-Trak, Laidback Luke, Neon Indian, SBTRKT, Flying Lotus, Little Dragon, Miike Snow, Pretty Lights, and that Skrillex fellow the kids are so crazy about.
Also appearing: Steve Aoki, Fedde Le Grand, Knife Party, Katy B, Magnetic Man, Zeds Dead, Porter Robinson, Sven Vath, Sander Van Doorn, Borgore, Doctor P, Metronomy, Jack Beats, 12th Planet, Skream! + Benga, Steve Lawler, Joris Voorn, and the ever intriguing “more.” So, case closed. Ultra Music Festival has booked every single big name, headlining, “summer festival” band ever. What a stupid mystery. I hate this show.
Ultra Music Festival takes its 13th trip around the sun this March 23-25 at Bayfront Park in downtown Miami. Three-day ($299.95) and VIP passes ($599.95) are on sale now.
• Ultra Music Festival: http://www.ultramusicfestival.com
