We’ve all seen them in our friendly local second-hand CD store. Among the multiple copies of The Cranberries’ extremely difficult second album and Cracker’s entire bedeviled output, there's more than a few CDs featuring a little hole punched out of the barcode, with maybe even a kind message from the record company threatening a swift garrotting to anyone stupid enough to even attempt selling the CD. Well, these little babies are promo CDs, handed out to the great and good (and TMT reviewers), in order to help create some kind of pathetic buzz around the release of the promoted album.
You might have known that already. However, what you might not have known is what happens to all the little holes that have been punched out of the barcodes. I have it on good authority that the major labels hand off a couple months’ worth of holes to some go-getting flunky. This turd is then sent in to infiltrate an inner-city child care facility, whereupon s/he proceeds to ingratiate himself with the underprivileged kids, perhaps by playing a few Raffi or Wiggles CDs and dressing up as a Tellytubby on Fridays.
The children have a new friend. The children are happy. Not for long.
On the morning that the order comes down from head office, when the other caregivers are off on their morning crack break, the kids’ trusted buddy exploits his opportunity. He cranks up the Raffi to ear-melting volume. The kids start screaming. In all the confusion, the flunky takes his opportunity to superglue the punch-outs over the innocent irises of the babies and toddlers, blinding the poor mites for all eternity. The corporate guerilla runs back to the welcoming arms of his beloved company, awaiting promotion. The returning caregivers' comedowns, however, are particularly harsh that morning.
When pressed on exactly why they were involved in such heinous acts, a major label executive blandly stated to my source that, “It’s a lot more difficult for those potential file-sharers -- who you call “toddlers” -- to share files in the future if they can’t see their computers. I think you’ll find that Congress is in full agreement with us. Blindies find it pretty difficult to vote, too.”
I should add at this point that, out of the literally hundreds of insiders I have ferreting about within the industry, this particular source is not always the most reliable. A far more trustworthy informer on the subject of promo CDs and their nefarious uses has given me another story, which is almost equally unbelievable. Universal Records is in the process of suing Troy Augusto, an eBay seller who trades under the name of roastbeastmusic for selling promo CDs. The company got eBay to suspend all his listings, claiming Troy was engaging in "copyright infringement" because promo CDs have a stamp declaring they can’t be resold since they are the property of the company.
Thing is, as Troy states in his eBay listings, the Copyright Laws of the United States of Kiss My Ass 17 USC 109(a)] states that, "the owner of a particular copy or phonorecord lawfully made... is entitled, without the authority of the copyright owner, to sell or otherwise dispose of possession of that copy or phonorecord." It’s called the “first sale” principle, according to the [Electronic Frontier Foundation, who (along with eBay) are supporting Troy in his countersuit against Universal. "Universal is mistaken if it thinks that it can trump these rights simply by putting a label on a CD," said Fred von Lohmann, a senior EFF attorney.
You really have to wonder what the fuck Universal are doing here; it’s not as if promo CDs aren’t available at just about every shitty used CD store on the planet, as well as being sold left, right, and center on eBay. Hell, there's not even enough of them in circulation to make any sort of dent in the overall sales of an album. Whatever. To be honest, I’m more concerned about the blind kids.
