Willowz: [adopting the accent and tone of Paulie ‘Walnuts’ Gualtieri, from The Sopranos] Heyyyy Grant, how are ya sport! Nice eyelineah, Nancy boiiii! Say, you reviewed our new CD yet?
Grant: What? I--... no.
Willowz: Curious. We sent yas the CD eight montts ago!
Grant: I know, I know. Actually, I’m kind of relieved to see you because I’ve been meaning to tell you that I dig Chataqua a lot, seriously.
Willowz: Tanks. I wish it didn’t require a ‘seriously,’ but tanks.
Grant: I’m just sayin’ you know, in case you thought I was dodgin’ ya. [laughs nervously]
Willowz: Oh, and what would give us that idea? [punches Grant straight in the gravy basket, cracks him on the face with a roundhouse left, then gives our beleaguered reporter a toe-punch to the stomach] Fackin’ deadbeat.
Grant: I’m-sorry I’m-sorry, look, maybe I can write a news story [cough, gasp] or... I dunno, recommend it to my [spit bloody loogy]... friends.
Willowz: Yeah, ye’re gonna recommend it tah yah friends AN relatives [another kick, more gentle this time, which I appreciate], am I making myself cleah? Othahwise I scoop out ya eyes like a coupla pitted olives I’d find in a nice antipaste... you know, ‘cause I like ta eat. You’ve seen my show.
Grant: Yes, you could even say I’ve borrowed ideas from the show quite a bit. And yes sir, I’ll get right on that. I won’t come up short next time... in fact, how about this; next time I review a Willowz CD, I’ll add two points.
Willowz: Tree!
Grant: That I can’t do.
Willowz: G, I’ms askin’ you ta reconsidah!
Grant: Well, ok. Now, I’m off to pick up some mozzarella...
Willowz: Woah-ho-ho Ernhawt, slow down, ain’t you forgettin’ somethin’? I mean, you’s gonna mention da’ touah too, right?
Grant: The... wha--.... the what?
Willowz: THE TOUAH, THE TOUAH... the TOUah.
Grant: Oh right. But how will I write a Tour News story without everyone knowing that a well-known gangster stereotype has coerced me into it?
Willowz: I’m sure you’ll think a somethin’. Fackin’ deadbeat.
And so it goes:
* w/ The Detroit Cobras
